Chinese Lives

Original article from:

http://cache.tianya.cn/publicforum/content/feeling/1/
820995.shtml

This is a story about sterile husband and non-giving-up but disappointed wife.

I was married to him 4 years ago. we had a full health check before we planned for baby, and the result that he was sterile put us in more stress.

My husband was not good at his sex performance. We had sex twice a month, and average time was less than two minutes. He lost job lately, and started balding only aged 30. He was deeply stressed, partly because of sterility, and partly from his family’s great expectation on him. Because he had done great as student, his family expected him to bring in more money.

We were living on my salary, while he was jobless. Even though we were tight on income, I never thought about giving up on him. We saw many doctors and tried numerous prescriptions. After spending 20,000 Yuan on medicine, we had to accept the sentence. Then, my husband sunk into very low spirit. He stopped communication, and we were like strangers living under same roof.

His family were not nice people as mine. They were rough and too practical. Since they knew their son was sterile, my mother-in-law implied to me that they wouldn’t blame me if I got pregnant from outside marriage.

I lived desperate and painful. How I wished my husband could be same caring and close as before. Last month, I suggest devoice. He begged me to change mind at the last minute. But marriage was tasteless to either of us. So why we bother to keep it? I wouldn’t care his sterility if he could just love me as before. I just couldn’t accept that he totally changed.

Opinions from others:

1. Your husband still loved you, but his inability humilated himself, which make him can’t face your marriage. If you are a good woman, I wish you could be happy couples. But sexless marriage is too cruel for anyone.

2. I suggest you give him some time to build up his confidence in life. If your effort is fruitless, then get a new life.

3. The main problems are two: your husband is sterile and he is not competitive in jobs. I think the latter problem matters more, because not all couple are keen on having a baby, but almost every couple care about expense and income.

4. Women are practical and materialistic. They have many excuses to dump poor or unsuccessful men. But aren’t marriage is to support each other for better or worse?

5. You can have only one life, so make your own choice and never regret.

I translate this article from a most famous discussion board in China (TianYa), the original articles can be gotten from the following link:
http://cache.tianya.cn/publicforum/content/feeling/1/801653.shtml

“We are married for 3 years and have not many things to argue about until we bought our own flat last year. Since then, my husband’s parents started frequent visits. They lived about 2hours’ bus ride away. At beginning, I complained nothing because I took his parents as my own. But warm welcome recedes after many frictions in the way we cook, clean the house, and live together.

It got worse when their side relatives visited us often as well. Our home became a family hostel and free of charge, too many strangers I never connect with, though relative in family tree. I felt drained emotionally and financially. I need a private space and moment that include only me and my husband. Accommodating frequent visitors put on extra stress on our finance, which has been intense paying back mortgage.

In February, I was pregnant. The first three months I was terribly sick, and losing more than ten lbs weight. May holidays came, I planned for a week break in my parents’ home. But the plan was aborted after my mother-in-law called. She said to see if I was all right. In fact, she brought her whole family to see me, including herself, her husband, my sister-in-law, and Nana, who was 74, my husband’s aunt, a 5-year-old cousin, a 3-year-old nephew .oh my god, I was praying.

My husband was on a training trip to Beijing. I could depend on nobody to accommodate this house of people. To start with, I went to supermarket shopping for food; then I search every corner of my storage cupboard for bedding and quilts. Finally the first night, I had to share the bed with my sister-in-law and her kid.

Unrest the whole night, I found my baby unwell and myself bleeding next morning. Went to hospital and prescribed pills, I returned to find every one sitting on sofa waiting for me to cook. Deeply frustrated. I could not stand it anymore.”

This is a typical conflict between married couples and their parents that happen in millions Chinese families. In UK, adult children normally move out their parents home after 18; while married adults live with man’s parents in China as a tradition.

China’s only-one-child policy makes it difficult to choose which parents to live with them. Traditions have to give way to reality. For instance, if a man from a poorer region, marries a city girl, he may have to spend more time with his in-laws rather than his own parents.

In this story, the wife wants less disturbance from her husband’s family, and stay alone. But she dares not tell her husband, because the painful husband will take it as an unwelcome and insult to his family.

Happiness or war between the wife and her in-laws, can cause her marriage happiness or failure. It is a too sensitive spot.

I translate this article from a most famous discussion board in China (TianYa), the original articles can be gotten from the following link:
http://cache.tianya.cn/publicforum/content/feeling/1/812851.shtml

“20th August 2007, I am tested pregnant positive, just 2 days before I find the existence of another woman in our relationship. He, my boyfriend and the baby’s biological father, does not say a thing.

We had a wonderful time living together. Last month, I nearly planned to introduce him as a formal marriage partner to parents. And our big day was set in the end of this year. He did not agree or disagree, but told be he was painful and confused inside, because he could marry me only for not breaking my heart.

His words definitely have ripped my heart off. Why he changed? It was him who always dreamed having his own home and kids. I could not think out a reason that stopped him since we were great in relationship. After several days’ questioning, he revealed his secret thinking to me. He told me I was not the one, the ideal one.

I was in bed with him after we knew each other for 30 days, which was considered not ideal, thus not precious enough to go further into marriage. Our relationship was not perfect matching his ethics and dreams. He never could stop his pursuit for true love and perfect family model.

Totally lost in words, I decided to abort the baby, but he did not want to take the blame by suggesting keep it for now. Why should I keep it if he abandoned me and our love? He promised me nothing except swaying between maybe marrying me and maybe break-up. Two months pregnant, I could not keep anything I ate, and felt sick most of the time. He was still struggling with making a choice between his new girl and me. what should I do? Should I keep the baby or abort it? Should I try to save our relationship?

I was in pain, desperate and self-hate. Pls help me if you can show me a way out.”

The majority responders despise the man and suggest the girl abort the baby and start anew. It is useless to beg this man to come back, because he won’t change anyway if he does not love her.

Quite a few responders think that the girl should be blamed, because she fell for him too soon—-in bed with him in 30 days after first met. This kind of girl is too quickly in love, and they don’t know to love themselves by protecting their health and body.

In feudal China, a girl’s virginity is regarded more important than her life. People are influence by virginity value for more than 1700 years. A good family will require their future daughter-in-law to be a virgin, while a man is not required to keep his.

They desire girls to be as brave and independent as girls in the west, while expect them to be as reserved and elegant in manners as in feudalist China. Like the man in the story, he regards his sleeping with the girl as a test on the girl’s virtues. If the girl easily surrenders, he would believe her to be impure. He definitely won’t have an impure girl as wife, and mother of his descendant.

Sadly, quite a few responses blame the girl for her pains, because she is not independent thinking and used to living under the shadow of a man, no matter a good or bad one.